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Every night feels the same
with you no longer in my bed.
Every waking hour is pain
with pictures of your smile stuck in my head.
I stayed when you were gone
still here in this nameless, gray place.
I still stay, hoping, but I admit it has been too long
for you to take up the spoons I have in this space.
Hot tea getting cold, sitting on the counter next to me
i don’t even notice the steam disappear
That’s okay, I pretend here is where you want to be,
when I look in the mirror, squinting hard enough, I swear you appear.
I still smell your scent; I kept the pillowcase
i bought your perfume to spray my room
But your beauty in my mind is a losing race.
then, I saw you on tv, at the church, with your groom.
I took a sip of tea. It was cold.
blunt between my lips, smoke curling
Up my face. I’m tired, I’m tired, and this pain is getting old
i don’t really know what to do now. I guess I try without hurling.
All the fire disappears from my eyes
and breath escapes my lungs
You were mine! Not any of those other guys!
i am no longer holding on. The blood in my ears thrum.
There is no dream, no hope for me
my smile is not for anyone
It is for the allure of the void that I can see
and with my final steps over the ledge, I am open
I am free, a bird in flight
no fear, no hesitation,
And try as they might
I have achieved transformation.
In death I give life
i delete me from your memory
I smile, knowing I will cause you no strife
because my death is the only way it could be.
