A CONFESSION

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A CONFESSION: REVELATION

i thought i said no (although i can’t be sure) maybe i didn’t. i was drunk, blown on that yay, and hanging with molly.

i thought i said no (though i can’t be sure) Can a “guy” or more accurately a penis-haver who was assigned male at birth actually, and honestly be believed? Can “he” really think “he” said no.

i thought i said no (though i can’t be sure) dragged into the bathroom. door locked. piss all over the place, rank, fetid smell. posters covering the walls of the boxed room. toilet, sink and mirror. we take out our bullets, take a hit of that white girl, having left our drinks at the table.

i thought i said no (though i can’t be sure) as you violently rubbed your hand against my crotch. i thought i pushed your hand away, laughing.

i thought i said no (thought i can’t be sure) the mirror betrayed me as i saw myself get hard. the same mirror held my shame.

i thought i said no (though i can’t be sure) can i have consented while intoxicated? i already know the answer to that. buuut no one will ever believe that i am not the one who initiated this. they unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned the top one, unzipped the zipper and my pants hit the floor, mixing with the piss and who knows what else.

i thought i said no (though i can’t be sure) as they grabbed my dick and put it in their mouth. i got hard. i thought i said no. they pulled down their underwear (i think this is how it goes) and put me, rather strongly, in them.

i thought i said no (thought i can’t be sure) when it was over (did we even use protection?) what a strange sensation to stumble out of a bathroom in a club to cheers and whistles while lost in the murky waters of intoxication and disbelief. they bowed.

i thought said no (though i can’t be sure) i’ve told exactly one person, and i am hopeful that they will understand the amount of time i repressed then sat with this. i am pretty sure i was sexually assaulted decades ago. will people really believe that i said no. through the haze, i remember the guilt and shame as people high-fived me and bought me more drinks. the memories hit, swirl, cover my head, then drift like fog in the morning air. A smell, a song, the right conditions, the perfect storm for information escaping the deepest, furthest recesses of my mind, my brain, my cells, my skin—electric shock. waking and pulling it back to the front and dominating all thought.

i thought i said no (thought i can’t be sure) i may have bragged at the time. my youthful mind and the crowd throwing the cheers, i may have bragged about it. that would definitely be a coping mechanism. i am not sure.

i thought i said no (though i can’t be sure) this is what i remember, fuzzy as it is, some embarrassment mixes with the shame of not knowing, exactly; of not being sure, of not being able to adequately explain how i felt in that moment: grief, shame, arousal, pain, anxiety—name it. I am trying. I built a wall in my mind so strong, but with these words, I am taking the first steps to break this cage — I was sexually assaulted in a bathroom of a club over two decades ago.

this is my confession.

this is my revelation