Welp, the title says it all, and not all at all! I do have bipolar disorder I. What that means is that I, primarily experience manic episodes, mixed affective states (mixed episodes, and rarely, depressive episodes.

I am talking about mixed affective states today. It is called mixed affective state because it was always thought to be attached to mania only. Now, science has proven that people who have bipolar II disorder, as well as major depressive disorder can have these episodes, as well. I should let yall know that I have a page open on one of my monitors to get all the terms correctly. See, I am in a mixed state right now, and my brain cannot be trusted to make logical decisions.

My brain jumps, disconnects, reconnects, whorls, sings, spirals, dances—often,, all at the same time. I try to explain to people but I confuse them, or they cannot make sense of it. I leap from idea to idea, but go on side quests because a smell, a word, a note from a song, a shape of something, will flip my thought process.

Mixed Episodes combine, for me, mania/agitation/anger/so on…along with a deep drop into super meltdown mode. I can no longer think straight. A lot of tears. A lot of frustration. Fear. Hatred of myself. Not able to understand why everyone is against me. All, the while, I am making connections at a faster rate than anyone. I am sharp-witted, and sharp/short with answers I think beneath me. I feel powerful. Energy surges. Then, the crash. Then I begin to wish I were dead. I imagine the easiest way to end my life. I would never want to hurt anyone else. I wonder what oblivion would feel like. Would I meet my ancestors? What next. Just sink into the velvet caress of pure darkness.

Mixed affective states can also be called dysphoric mania, and that makes sense to me. Some of the things that happen to me is super high energy. Racing thoughts, too many tabs open in my brain, my internal dialogue becomes more muddled. I have been told that I be very short for answers or questions I think are “beneath me.” "I have delusions of grandeur and have a “god complex.” My brain does not shut down, meaning the voices in my head are fighting for top billing. Then comes the hopelessness. The crushing blow that, in actuality, I am experiencing mental illness. Then, the feelings of worthlessness spread to the point to of suicidal ideation. I am not going to sugar coat it. Sometimes, it gets scary, and I already have multiple plans. Now, let’s not get it twisted. Just because I have said plans does not mean I am going to put them into action. They are just filed away.

I took the advice of Egg, who has mentioned multiple times recently that I was acting out, being aggressive, losing sleep. These are precursors to an episode for me, and guess where I am now—mixed episode land. I am safe, and not a threat to myself or others. I have a psych appointment at 12 pm today. I don’t know what will come of it, but hopefully no grippy socks vacation uuggghhhh.

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