12:10 PM EST Beginning to feel better. Energy is rising again. I can tell that I will be aggravated and annoying to people near me. I am glad Egg is gone for a bit. My music is up as loud as it will go without using my headphones. I am not ready to get sucked in like that. I’ve got my dance list playing from Tidal, and have been bouncing around the room. Energy on lock. Let’s see how the next few hours before our live goes on.

Thankfully, the only drugs I have is weed. If I had cocaine, it would be over. That goes for most drugs. I have mushrooms, but I am not in the right frame of mind to trip. I have Adderall, which is basically meth, but I don’t abuse it. And my psych told me to stop taking it for the next two or three weeks until I stabilize, so it doesn’t shoot me into straight mania. I understand that, as I took 30mg this morning (forgot about not taking it) and fell asleep within the hour uggghhhh. I hate my brain sometimes. When things come up, fully formed systems are the answer. How I get there is a different set of pick up sticks. And when I want drugs, usually the system is set and I work my way back. This time, however, I am working forward. Because, I know that if I do any type of drug right now…

I am buried in my world. And my world is not necessarily safe, but it is my world. I am hidden away from the public, as I should be right now. I can see the sun through the blinds, and that is good enough for me. I made it through another night. And that is important for where my mind is now

I do understand what has got me like this. You see, I have my medications lined up in the order I take them. Well, one of them, my Vraylar, which is an atypical antipsychotic, was pushed to the back, somehow. I don’t even remember the last time I took it. So, I have to start over with the lowest dose, and titrate up. I hope that I can hold on during these three weeks of titration.

Right now, I feel pretty good. Like stuff is flowing again. My 18 hour slumber worked out some of the cobwebs. I think I will be able to handle this live. I will not be shaving or making myself pretty. I am in no mood to. Now, that may change, as it is only 12:32 pm EST. More later…

Well, later is here. I often wonder whether I have Bipolar I or Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. It is categorized as a chronic mental health condition combining schizophrenia symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, disorganized speech) with severe mood episodes, specifically mania and often depression. Distinguishable from bipolar disorder by the requirement of at least two weeks of psychotic symptoms without a major mood episode. So, by that definition I do NOT have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. I do have delusions and hallucinations, but they often occur with bipolar episodes. When they occur by themselves, it is never two weeks, and often, only hours.

Bipolar Disorder in and of itself is a bitch. I am ornery, agitated, annoyed easily, angry, always right, quick witted (which I am already. This kicks it up 2 times.) I am unknowingly mean. I cry more easily. Everything moves me in some way. Music hurts me, and springs forth colors of pain, bleeding out of my ears. I hole up in my place. Nobody knows because I rarely tell anyone. Today is my nephew’s birthday and there is a party. There is no way I could go. I cannot face my family like this. They have seen a severe manic episode, and they were scared. I cannot be crying one moment, then dancing a jig the next. When this happens, I am home bound. I feel like there are few people who I can talk to. Especially when it comes to sui. Right now, it is heavy on my mind. I promised Egg I would make it to the age of 78. None of her parents made it to the age of 70. I am holding on…

One of the big things that happen for is psychotic features. Delusions - false, fixed beliefs like paranoia or grandiosity. Hallucinations - sensing things not there. I have both of these, and while the delusions are a big part of my symptoms, hallucinations are usually not. Well, recently, they have been around. I don’t tell anyone, and I doubt anyone I know will read this, so I feel comfortable typing this. I have been hearing voices recently. Nothing harmful. Just instructions that allow me to schedule my day. I do not see things and don’t feel things touching me. With delusions, of course there is the god complex. Nobody can tell me when I am right or when I am wrong. This, mixed with the voices and the disorganized thinking would likely get me thrown in the grippy socks hotel for a respite. I just need time hidden away, and to get back on my meds, and I should be okay.

I had planned on writing this hour by hour, but it is 1:30 PM EST and I need to walk the dog and eat. See ya around the water cooler. A bientot!