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OMG!!!!! LONG TIME NO WRITE. I HAVE BEEN STUCK IN THE DOLDRUMS. I WAS BEGINNING TO FEEL THAT MY WRITING WAS BECOMING A CHORE, AND MAYBE THAT IS A GOOD THING. I NEED TO TURN MY PASSION FOR WRITING AND TALKING INTO SOME SORT OF MONEY-MAKING ENDEAVOR.
I AM NOT LOOKING FOR MILLIONS, BUT IF I SOMEHOW GOT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, I WOULDN’T BE UPSET. I WOULD MAKE SURE EGG DOESN’T HAVE TO WORK SO HARD, AND I WOULD BY HER AN ARTIST STUDIO. I WOULD THROW A CHUNK TO MY PARENTS. A BIT TO THA SIBS, NIECES, NEPHEWS, AND CHOSEN FAMILY.
THEN, LIKE MACKENZIE SCOTT (LOOK HER UP), I WOULD USE THE REST OF THE MONEY FOR GOOD. SPREADING LOVE TO THE MOST MARGINIALIZED IN THE TRANS COMMUNITY. TRYING TO SET UP A COMMUNITY CENTER, OR A CENTRAL HUB. THESE ARE THE THINGS I WOULD DO WITH MONEY. I DON’T WANT TO BE A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE, EXCEPTING TO HELP COMMUNITY.
ME AND EGG TALK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME: WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO GET A WINDFALL OF CASH. HOW WOULD WE HANDLE IT, CONSIDERING HOW BAD WE ARE WITH DEBT. WE HAVE HAD OUR FAIR SHARE OF MONEY PROBLEMS. I HAVE UNDER 10,000$, BUT I AM NOT WORKING, SO IT IS HARD FOR ME TO KNOCK DOWN MY DEBT. HAVING THAT CASH WINDFALL WOULD ELIMINATE THAT DEBT, FOR BOTH OF US. SUDDENLY, I CAN SEE A PATHWAY TO HOW I WOULD LIKE LIKE TO “WORK.”
I WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE, ALL THE WHILE HOPING FOR THAT BAG OF CASH TO DROP ON MY HEAD. THAT’S NOT TO SAY THAT I AM NOT PUTTING IN THE WORK. I WILL CONTINUE TO PUT IN THE WORK. BECAUSE, IT IS NOT THE MONEY I BELIEVE IN. IT IS THE WORK.
THE WORK I AM REFFERRING TO IS MY DESTINY. MY AYANMO. I BELIEVE THAT, IN THIS TIMELINE, ON THIS PLANE, THIS DESTINY IS TO HELP PEOPLE. YOU KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, IN MY BRAIN IT SOUNDS KIND OF ARROGANT. YOU KNOW, TO SAY THAT I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. MAYBE IT IS NOT. I KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT. I FEEL CALLED, WHICH IS A STRANGE AND FUNNY THING.
MY FATHER IS A FATHER. LOL WELL NAH. BUT HE IS A REVEREND IN THE AFRICAN METHODIST EPISCOPAL TRAD OF CHRISTIANITY. IT IS THE FIRST INDEPENDENT BLACK INSTITUTION IN THE UNITED STATES. FIGURES. I CAN WRITE A WHOLE ARTICLE, PLUS 30, ON WHAT HAPPENED TO BE A CALLING FOR MY FATHER, AND THINKING ABOUT IT REMINDS ME THAT WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND. I HAVE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME THAT I WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE, IN SOME WAY OR FORM.
I KNEW, INSTINCTIVELY, THAT COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY WOULD BE HARD FOR ME. I DIDN’T GET ANY SPECIAL ACCOMMODATIONS. I FLUNKED OUT AND DROPPED OUT. SO THAT PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR/LITERATURE MINOR IS STILL SITTING OVER MY HEAD LIKE A STORM CLOUD. I WOULD LIKE A DEGREE. I HAVE TO ASK MYSELF, DO I WANT IT FOR EGO. THE ANSWER IS YES. AND NO.
YES, IT WILL FULFILL A PERSONAL PERCEIVED FAILURE ON MY PART. IT WOULD ALLOW ME TO GO TO MY HIGHLUY EDUCATED BLOOD FAM AND BE LIKE “HERE, LOOK! I GOT MY DDEGREE.” AND THE INFORMATION I WOULD LEARN WOULD BE INSTRUMENTAL IN FURTHERING MY DESIRE TO HELP PEOPLE.
IT SEEMS I AM BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND, AT A CORE LEVEL, THAT, WHILE THE DEGREES WOULD BE GREAT (AND I MAY PICK UP SCHOOL WHEN I AM COUGH COUGH OLDER, I HAVE FOUND A WAY AROUND THAT FOR NOW.
I HAVE BEEN GROWING IN MY SPIRITUAL PATH, AND AM NOW AT A POINT WHERE I TRAIN OTHERS. ONE DOOR CLOSES. ANOTHER OPENS.
IT HELPS IN TWO WAYS. I GIVE SPACE TO PEOPLE WHO FEEL THEY HAVE NONE. ALSO, I USE YEARS OF ACCUMLATED KNOWLEDGE FROM DIFFERENT PATHS (DON’T STRIKE ME DOWN, IFA.) I CAN’T HELP BUT TO BE INFLUENCED BY PAST SPIRITUAL PATHS. SO ON AND SO FORTH…
ALL THE BLABBERING AND TYPING IS TO SAY—MY AYANMO, MY DESTINY SEEMS TO BE TO HELP PEOPLE. IT HAPPENS IN WAYS I AM NOT EXPECTING. THEN AFTER THE FACT, I WILL GET A DISCRETE THANK YOU. OF COURSE, THAT FEELS GREAT ON AN EGOISTIC LEVEL, BUT ALSO ON AN ENERGETIC LEVEL. THE ENERGY AROUND ME BECOMES CALM. I AM ABLE TO PARSE OUT THE TRUTH FROM THE BITS HIDING THE TRUTH. MORE IMPORTANTLY, I AM A CONFIDANTE. I GUESS THAT IS A WORD I WOULD USE. MAYBE I SHOULD LOOK IT UP! BRB. BACK. OKAY, THAT IS THE PERFECT WORD. I KEEP PEOPLES SECRETS. I GIVE PEOPLE SPACEAND A PLATFORM TO WORK OUT THEIR PROBLEMS, OR BOUNCE THEIR FEELINGS OFF OF.
MAYBE I WANT TO BE A MIRROR, REFLECTING THE MYRIAD OF POSSIBILITIES FOR PEOPLE, AND THEIR WANTS AND DESIRES.
UGGHHHHH MY AuDHD BRAIN KEEPS ON BRAINING. I ALMOST FORGOT THAT I WAS WRITING THIS. I DON’T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT I WAS WRITING ABOUT. I GUESS THIS IS SOME FORM OF CHAOTIC GOOD??? LET’S HOPE SO LOL.
I DID IT AGAIN. MY BRAIN IS NOT BRAINING RIGHT NOW. I AM IN A KIND OF WRITERS BLOCK, SO I AM TRYING TO WRITE MYSELF OUT OF IT. THANKS FOR LETTING ME IN YOUR BOX!
