JET FUEL/COME DOWN

That kind of explains a mixed episode. The extreme high, but with anxiety, racing thoughts, frenetic energy, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts. Then comes the crash, the dysphoric mania. It is an ever-ending cycle.. For me, it is like having tabs in my brain. And while this is usually normal for me, as I always have tabs—a lot of them are closed. problem with a mixed episode is that they all open and creativity bursts out. I finish peoples sentences. I am God. I hear voices, not always internally. I am simultaneously the best and the worst. Putting out mad writing, allowing it to fuel my brain. I understand the world. My empathy quadruples. I see the world, but cannot handle the pain. While I am riding the energy, I am not sure of what is happening, except that my flow is matching that of the universe. I am connected because I run and control that energy. Now, all about the energy is true anyway, but in a mixed episode it is so full of power.. When I listen to music, every line melts me, makes me angry, makes me hype, It also makes me cry uncontrollably for hours. I am in tune with animals, in tune with the wind, with the water, with all elements. Everything is like the matrix, and I see that shit for its truth.

Everything becomes blurred. I am the smartest in the room, probably in the world, I am intense, it is shown in my eyes. I bring fire to conversations. My brain starts to move, and way too fast. I have way too many tabs open. They open without asking, and the voices in my head become stronger. I can crack myself up with a joke, laughing so hard until I cry. Delusions are strong with this one. Paranoia comes in slowly. I begin to think that my power is being tested. I am agitated, I become distrusting of everyone and I start to disconnect from my partner (as they say.) By the way, I never recognize the beginning of any episode. I cannot tell until I am in it. So, two nights ago, I crashed.

I felt like the biggest loser. I couldn’t stop the tears. the music was pushing the feelings. My mind was (and is) racing and the tabs are discombobulated and slamming into one another. Oceans crashing into the rocks, changing the landscape with each tear. It is not a single tear. There are waterfalls. I am disconsolate. Panic attacks ma are not uncommon. I disassociate. I scream. The drop is the worst, and while I have extreme mania and have been suicidal most of my life, mixed episodes are a different beast.

I was in what is called euphoric mania - elevated moods, grandiosity, high energy and for me way too many tabs open in my brain. Voices silently speaking. Some loudly. Then comes dysphoric mania, which is a mixed episode. This is the more dangerous of the two because suicide risk jumps up. The reason for that is because it mixes manic features (impulsivity, high energy” with intense emotional pain and distress. The anger adds a certain spiciness to the broth. I feel restless, destructive, and uncontrollable. I feel lost, trapped, extremely distraught. My mental pain manifests physically in the form of cramps, headaches, and other minor manifestations. When I crash, as I did two nights ago. I cannot help but think this world would be better without me. yeah there may be some pain and sadness to begin with. But these people could get on with their lives without me as a burden. I am not abusing any substances, and am med compliant.

I did have an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist today. Of course, there are things that I have to leave out so I don’t get a visit to the grippy socks vacation home. But we are adjusting my meds. I have another appointment in a week. I did tell them, honestly, that I am having suicidal ideations. When they asked if I had a plan I told them yes. Honestly, which bipolar I person or bipolar person does NOT have a plan??? Does not mean I plan on seeing that plan out. It does mean, however, that if I feel like I need to seriously exit, I have the means to do so. Ugh, I probably should not be talking like this. It is odd because even though I crashed, my brain is still firing. They are mostly negative thoughts and ruminations on how my life has turned out. I am thankful for Egg, Mish Mish, Sarah, and Weirdo. I realize now, that these people kept me from going over the edge. It is funny what we see after the fact. Wow!!!!

So, wrapping all this all up. When people say, you’re crazy, I admit it. It is nothing to be ashamed of; even though I feel that way now, I know, instinctually, that there is nothing wrong in being a nut. I know that this disorder allows me to tap into the current of creativity that weaves its way through the universe. And even though I am in the doldrums now, I know that if I can hold on for a few more weeks, then the medicine should fully be in my system. I will start going to bed by 12am instead of 3 or 4. Maybe I will walk a bit, get some sun. It is important that I know what is going on, and accept it. It is definitely humbling. It can be embarrassing. It can expose raw nerves. It can affect everyone around the person experiencing the episode. And I can feel that it has, not because I tapped into, but because I was told. I have people in my corner, and for that I am thankful.

A bientot!!