I have had conversations with various people surrounding the word “crazy” and its connotations. Also, does being crazy push creativity, or does it hinder it? Time to chop it up as it filters through my brain. I should mention that these are my feelings at the time of writing this, and may change in the next hour. Who knows??!!!??
Crazy, by the dictionary is an adjective that means “very foolish, senseless, or strange.” It can also be used to mean “extremely excited or enthusiastic.”
Now, to the mental illness version of crazy. You see, the word “crazy” is not a medical term. It is a term used to describe severe mental illness usually with psychosis. There can be delusions, disorganized thinking, and/or hallucinations.
I am going to drop some aspects of what we would think of when we hear someone is crazy. Now it may not be all of these, and it may be none of these, and it is a different kind of crazy. These are just the ones people normally think of when the thought of a crazy person comes up.
Delusions - false beliefs. paranoia (like someone is trying to harm/kill you) Or grandiose ideas. For me, this mainly manifests in grandiose ideas. I get a big God complex. I am cannot do anything wrong. Nobody can tell me I’m wrong. Connections come faster (well, faster than usual.) I can feel the electricity that connects everything and everyone. It gets deeper than that. Because, honestly, I am giving you barebones here. As far as paranoia is concerned, that is not my bag baby.
Hallucinations - This is a tricky one, because this is the kind of stuff that could get a one-way pass to the grippy socks hotel. I do hear voices. Sometimes, those voices are outside my head, but they are never scary or such that it would cause me to harm myself or anyone. I also have voices in my head that would take a while and a lot of nuance to explain, and I don’t want to get into it here. I am already putting my mental health out. Oh, this is just the Bipolar component. LOL This may have to be a series.
Disorganized speech or thought - this is tricky because it often gets shoved in the ADHD category. The pressured speech, the rapid, ever-changing topics, speech that people don’t seem to understand but makes perfect sense to me.
It is now that I should mention that the term “crazy” is considered derogatory, and one should never, eva, eva use it when there is someone in crisis. It shouldn’t be used by people to call other people crazy, unless both people have reclaimed the word crazy because of the mental illnesses and disorders/diseases both have. In other words, if you have schizoaffective disorder and I have Bipolar disorder (I do,) then we can choose to call each other crazy. You, dear reader, do not get to call me crazy. You can say I am mentally ill.
You know what I just learned? There is something called schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This is a chronic mental health condition combining schizophrenia symptoms ( hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thinking) with manic episodes and sometimes depression. The kicker, however, is that it is different from bipolar i because it requires at least two weeks of psychotic symptoms in the ABBSCENCE of a major mood episode. This has not happened to me, so I am firmly in the Bipolar I, Psychotic Features group.
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As far as creativity goes, there are pluses and minuses. When in an episode, when crazy, my creativity explodes. It knows no bounds. I write, write, and write some more. Ripped pieces of legal notebooks, sticky note all over the floor all surrounding me. All brilliant observations, waiting to be turned into wonderful prose or hidden poetry; wise sayings, information, witty thoughts, musings, and more.
Then comes the crash. Don’t get me wrong. I create beautiful, stunning writing while under the haze of mental illness, and I recognize that, without trying to be full of myself. There is some beauty in there.
Also included, is evidence of me slowly slipping from reality. Flights of fancy become equations to unlock the center of the universe, to transmute lead into gold. The voices in my head become louder, I cannot tolerate anyone touching or talking to me during the creative process. Fucking tears, friends. The struggle is real. Everything becomes still until the voice says to move again…
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